Harry, Ron and Hermione assess a sixth book fic
by CountessMel
Summary: So how do our favorite threesome feel about the cliches that arise in Book Six fics? And who knew that Lupin always asks to be called Moony? And does Mrs. Weasley always give bonecrushing hugs? Are there really no new Order Members?
1. Chapter One

Hey! This is my first "rather funny" fic so bear with me! I find sarcasm funny and if you don't, please don't read this. I've never gotten a flame before but if I do, I'll be sure to use it to light my birthday cake! Cheers and enjoy,

DISCLAIMER: The characters/plot of Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling. The sixth-book fictions are all fancies of teenage girls' minds, and the cliches certainly do not belong to anybody!

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Harry: Why is it that everyone just HAS to write a book six fic? 

Hermione: It's obvious, Harry. They all want to know what's going to happen to you and they aren't patient enough to wait for the next book.

Ron: Can we just start reading this one?

_The night was dark and the houses on Privet Drive were completely silent. Only one light shone out onto the dark street. Harry Potter was sitting in his room, reading._

Harry: Why am I up so late?

_He glanced up at the night sky. His face was pale and his eyes were wistful._

Ron: snorts Since when has Harry had "wistful" eyes?

_Harry missed Sirius more than ever. Earlier that year, his godfather, Sirius Black, was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange in the Department of Mysteries. Harry had watched Sirius fall through the veil. Harry had then been possessed by Voldemort and was finally told of a prophesy that said that neither Harry or Voldemort could live while the other was alive.  
_  
Ron: Why can't they say "You-know-who"?

Hermione: Every sixth book starts out with a recap of all that has happened to Harry. Every fanfic reader knows the story already, but I guess they have to be reminded each time they start a new ficiton.

Harry: I can smell the "angst-ridden teenage depression" already.

_Suddenly, an owl swooped in though the open window. It was Pidwigeon. Harry seized Ron's letter._

Ron: If it's so late, why am I sending Harry a letter?

_Harry, _

How you doing, mate?

Harry: Somehow, it always seems that you call me "mate." I don't remember you picking that up.

Hermione: The author must think that is really British or something.

_I hope you're doing alright. Mum says that you can come to the Burrow tomorrow. Someone from the Order is going to pick you up at half past nine in the morning.  
_  
_Hermione is already here. She and Ginny go off all the time to their room and talk for hours._

Hermione: Why? I'm not best friends with Ginny. Not that I dislike Ginny; but it's not like she doesn't have her friends.

_They're acting rather strange. Whenever Hermione is near me, she giggles uncontrollably._

Ron: Ahhhh!

Hermione: I should have seen that coming...

Ron: Quit laughing, Harry. It's quite stupid!

Harry: I...know...but it's...so...funny!

Hermione: Don't mind him.

_See you tomorrow, Ron _

Harry folded the letter and smiled his first real smile in what seemed like months.

Harry: I smile! I smile a lot!

Hermione: I guess the writer thought it would sound good if she made you a brooding teenage basket case.

Ron: Don't worry, Harry. You smile a lot. Especially when they made that stupid mention about-

Hermione: Keep reading.

_The next morning, Harry was waiting in his room when Tonks, Moody, Lupin, Snape, McGonagall, Flitwick, Bill and Charlie aparated into his room._

Harry: All of them? Together?

Ron: Do I sense a need for the author to gather up her cast of characters?

Hermione: They won't all fit in your room.

_Harry was glad to see them._

Ron: No, really?

_"Hi everyone! Is my lifelong ban from quittich lifted yet?"_

Hermione: His first thought of course. I mean, what's more important? Besides the fact that his godfather just died, a red-eyed evil genius is after his blood and his N.E.W.T's are coming up the year after next.

Ron: And the fact that his love life is blank. Ahhh! Stop kicking me!

Harry: Take that back.

Hermione: Shhh. Be quiet. I want to hear more.

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Okay, thanks for reading! Review if you care to! 


	2. Chapter Two

A/N: While I am making fun of sixth book fics, I am not putting down people who write them! In fact, I have a sixth book fic that I play around with sometimes when I can't wait for the real thing! I just find some of the clichés stupid and obvious... So, please don't be mad at me!

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Ron: Harry, quit strangling me.

Harry: Take it back!

Hermione: As we continue...

_"Hello, Harry." Said Remus._

Harry: "Remus?" Gosh, it's not like I call him that. The author shouldn't either.

_"Hello, Professor Lupin," Harry replied._

_"Call me Moony."_

Hermione: Ahhhhh!

Ron: I...can't...believe... that!

Hermione: "Moony?" That's worse that "Remus!"

Ron: I can't breathe-

Hermione: Uh, Harry? Are you okay?

Ron: I think he's in shock.

_"Wotcher, Harry!" Tonks bubbled. _

"Good to see your big head, Potter," Snape said silkily.

"Hello, Mr. Potter," Moody growled.

"Good evening, Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall nodded.

"Hello, Potter!" Professor Flitwick sqeaked.

"Hey, Harry!" Bill said.

"How's it been, Harry?" Charlie added.

Harry: Ah, yes. I've seen this before. We really should point these out.

Hermione: Let's just point them out for the record.

Ron: Tonks: always greets with "Wotcher!"

Harry: Snape: nasty insult in a silky voice. Note the "silky."

Hermione: Moody: always growling and calling him "Potter."

Ron: McGonagall: frostily cordial and calling him "Mr. Potter."

Harry: Flitwick: squeaking. Always.

Ron: Bill: kinda cool and collected

Hermione: Charlie: casual and cool

Harry: I think I'm going to throw up.

Hermione: We should stop here.

Ron: Yeah. We didn't get too far but I don't think I can take anymore of this book six stuff today.

Harry: It's okay. Breathe.

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A/N: Review! 


	3. Chapter Three

Hey, guys! Thanks again for the reviews.

Disclaimer: I don't own HP or RW or HG or any other initials that go with people, places, magical items or anything!

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Harry: Guess what?

Ron: Snape is being confronted by an ex-girlfriend from his past, Hermione has found out her deep love for Malfoy and you've just become an animagus in the form of a golden eagle?

Harry: Um. No. That's what the authors would like to believe. I just wanted to say that I have more of the sixth book fiction for us to look at.

Ron: Oh. I was hoping for the Snape-being-in-love one.

Hermione: Err, just continue, Harry.

Ron: Joy.

Hermione: Well, we could do our homework instead...

Ron: I mean, JOY!

Harry: Let's just read.

_Harry smiled at them._

_"I'm really glad to see you guys!"_

Ron: Aren't you supposed to be depressed, Harry?

_Tonks knocked over a lamp._

Hermione: Poor Tonks. They always pick on her! She really isn't that bad. Ever since she had walzing lessons with Kingsley last fall, she's been doing a lot better.

_Remus-_

Harry: No. No. No.

_-held out an old shoe._

_"Just take this portkey and we'll be going to 12 Grimmauld Place." He said.  
_  
Hermione: Well, first off, portkeys have to be authorized by the ministry. Honestly...

Ron: Unless you happen to be a dark wizard in an old auror's body try to kill Harry.

Harry: And can't there be a more original portkey? Like an alarm clock with Mickey Mouse on it? Or an empty lotion bottle? Or an old refridgerator?

Hermione: Lotion bottle?

Harry: It was an idea...

_Harry grabbed the old boot. Instantly he felt the familiar jerk behind his navel._

Ron: What's with the "familiar jerk behind his navel" bit?

Hermione: Actually, it's direct plagiarism from Ms. Rowling's fourth book.

Harry: And while I do feel a memorable pull behind my belly-button, it's no reason to keep reminding people of that fact. It's rather embarassing.

Harry: Please note that all of the other members of the order who are present are simply forgotten and put on a shelf.

_Mrs. Weasley instantly enveloped him in a bone crushing hug.  
_  
Ron: I didn't know that my mum hugged that hard.

Hermione: She doesn't usually. But Harry always seems to induce her into a spasm of squeezing the life out of people.

_"Hey, mate!" Ron said excitedly clapping Harry on the back.  
_  
Ron: Not more of that "mate" stuff! That's so not me!

_"Hello, Harry!" Hermione hugged him._

Hermione: Wait! Hold it! Since when do I spend all my summers at the Grimmauld place? My parents love me and they don't let me go off all summer! They take me to France and Australia. And then there was that time we went skiing. And I love my parents, too!

Ron: The author simply wants you there.

Harry: Yeah. He has to put you in there to build up the romance between you and Ron.

Hermione: You have my explicit permission to kill Harry this time, Ron.

Harry: Alright! Uncle! Uncle! Stop it! Uncle! Aunt! Take the tickling curse OFF!

Hermione: If you flick your wand towards the shoulder, the curse is stronger.

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A/N: Thanks for reading, folks. Review! 


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer: Don't own J.K. Rowling's stuff, nor the clichés from book six fics by other fanficers!

I'm back, my charming chums, after my long absence. Please read and enjoy. You will never be harmed by reading a story!

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Hermione: We're back! 

Ron: No, really.

Harry: Let's get going…

_Ginny smiled at Harry. He noticed that she had gotten taller during the summer. His face went slightly red when she hugged him._

Ron: Heh! Look who is blushing now!

Harry: Shut it. We all know that all sixth book fics include false and undue romance. Right?

Hermione: Of course, Harry. We understand perfectly.

Harry: Hmmm?

Hermione: Really.

_With a crack, Remus appeared next to Harry. Mrs. Black's portrait suddenly began screaming. Mrs. Weasley and Remus struggled to close the curtains._

Ron: Is this plagiarized?

Hermione: The crack, the screaming portrait, the struggling. Yup, pretty plagiarized.

Harry: The "Remus" thing is really bothering me. A lot.

"_Harry," Remus gestured toward the stairs, "I need to talk to you. Would you come with me?"_

Hermione: Ooooh! I know what's going to happen! Ron, would you grab the Kleenex box over there for me? I can feel an emotional letter coming up…

Harry: And hand that trash can. I'm going to be ill.

_Harry shrugged and followed Remus upstairs. They went into Sirius's bedroom where Buckbeak was gnawing on a chicken bone._

Ron: They can't keep Buckbeak in there forever! Without Sirius's attention, he'll die, starve or become emotionally deranged!

Hermione: It does seem unfair to the poor animal. And I can't imagine Mrs. Weasley letting them keep it up there with chicken bones.

"_Harry," Remus began, "when Sirius returned to Grimmauld Place, he immediately set about handling his legal papers. He left you the entire house, all his money in Gringotts and his motorcycle. He left a letter for you if something should happen to him."_

Harry: Yay. The motorbike. I'm sure Sirius would have specifically mentioned that in his will.

Ron: Well, I always thought the motorbike was pretty cool…

Hermione: You _what_?

Ron: Errr --For Sirius, I mean. You know, to ride around on.

"_Dear Harry,_

"_If you are reading this, something must have happened. I hope that my death was heroic and that I was fighting till the last minute._

Hermione: sniff How heart-wrenching!

Harry: Actually, I think Sirius would have preferred dying quietly in his sleep at the ripe age of ninety-seven, after the right girl, having kids and grandkids and helping the Order to Defeat Voldemort.

Ron: Quite.

"_I've left Grimmauld Place to you. I don't expect you to live there ever, but if the Order still wishes to use it for their headquarters, I ask you to do everything in your power to help them._

Harry: As if I wouldn't?

"_I know you have a large burden on your shoulders, Harry._

Harry: Ahh! The Burden, the Burden!

Ron: It's alright, Mr. Hobo! Dan's here!

Hermione: Don't be mocking. Just because you read over Melanie Hibringer's shoulder doesn't mean you even know what you're talking about.

_You've already had a difficult life and you don't need anymore trouble. Believe me, I know what it's like to have no real family and to face responsibilities. I think it's entirely unfair for the prophecy to determine your life. But remember, Lily and James would have been proud of you._

Harry: I know that. Actually, I think my parents would have been proud of me anyway. Although my mum might have been a little on the wary side about the DA, my sneaking out at nights and the invisibility cloak.

"_I don't know how I died, but no matter what, don't blame yourself. With responsibility comes guilt, I know that more than most people._

Ron: How would he know that you were feeling guilty? It's like Sirius somehow knew ahead of time that you would be going through a teen-agsty mood swing and blame yourself for his death.

Hermione: Somewhat suspicious, that.

"_So, good luck and I'll be waiting with your parents._

Harry: Hand me the tissues.

"_Your godfather,_

_Sirius Black"_

Ron: I can't take the emotional wrenching! You know, while I'm feeling this good, I want to tell you guys what brilliant friends you've been. And while I'm at it, my family's pretty swell, too, and Dumbledore is great, even if he's batty!

Hermione: Are you well?

Harry: He's fine. I think he's overcome with the sticky sweetness of it all.

Hermione: Oh. Well alright then.

Ron: Sirius! What a great man you were! You and your motorbike and Buckbeak!

Hermione: I need a bucket of shockingly cold water, please, Harry.

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A/N: So, there it is. It's not exceptional. I find that I'm loosing my touch. Oh well. I updated after months and months. Cheers, y'all! 


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